Sunday, February 6, 2011
Super Bowl
So. The Super Bowl. The biggest TV event of the year. Why? I will never know. The commercials are funny, but who likes commercials? The actual event is boring... it's a bunch of men tackling each other. What is the point to it? If people want to watch tackling and men beating each other up, go to your local high school and tell a guy his girlfriend is cheating. That's much more entertaining.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Stupid Jackson
Ugh. I am such a liar. Just to be honest, I still have days where I feel totally in love with the guy that totally shattered my heart. There are days where I miss him, days where I wish I was back on that trail in Utah with him. I just cannot get it through my head that he and I are over. I just keep thinking that he will one day come running back to me, and that I will be with him again.... I don't want to admit it's not gonna happen. Maybe, I'll visit him when I go out to Utah this summer... it would be hard not to want to, but for now, I'll keep having my sisters spit as the drive past Marvellous Catering....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Single
Yup. I am single. I've been single since summer. At first I hated it, but honestly, I like it... it just means I can flirt with who ever I want and not get in trouble (; that is all :)
Monday, January 17, 2011
My First Entry
Well, I guess this is my first ever blog... hmmm.... what to say. I suppose I shall start from the beginning. I am Kate Hill, age 15 (almost 16!!!) and I am a sophmore. (The name of the school can remain a mystery.) I decided to start this blog because I realized something today that I think I should have realized a LONG time ago... better late than never, I guess. All in all, I wanted to share my thoughts with the world in hope to inflict some wisdom upon them. So here goes.
I have a new outlook on life. As some of you may know, I haven't been the happiest I could be lately, I've been suffering from what I like to call post-breakup syndrome, a nasty little illness which leaves you mourning the loss of some great boyfriend who dumped you... this boy's name was Jackson. Jackson was a great guy I met at EFY over the summer in Utah. I seriously thought I was in love with this kid. Maybe I was, but I know I've never liked anyone the way I liked him. We spent a lovely week together, acting like typical Mormon kids, enjoying a great spiritual experience in a beautiful place with amazing people. We both liked each other, but never really made it public. (Although it was rather obvious I liked him, I'm pretty bad at hiding that stuff!) He and I talked about going out to a movie or something, but he was going to Hawaii a few days after EFY so the only "date" we could have was a hike with my family after he returned from vacation. After planning a lots of begging the parents, we finally were able to schedule a day my whole family + Jackson could hike. We decided to visit Mt. Timpanogos, a beautiful mountain in Utah known for its resemblance of a sleeping Indian. We all hiked and hiked, it was a LOT of work, seeing I was rather out of shape. (Seriously, who is in shape on vacation?!) Anyways, everyone was too tired to continue the long trek up the steep mountain trail except my dad, Jackson, and me. Jackson and I walked ahead of my dad, stopped, and shared our first kiss together... awww <3 It was really sweet, I swear that mountain is lucky. (My dad had no clue... if he had even the slightest inkling his baby girl liked this boy, he'd have torn off poor Jackson's head before he could scream my name.) Jackson stole quite a few kisses that day from me, and I thought I was falling in love with him... (oh, if you'd only seen my journal entries...) That was the last day I ever saw him, it was a good day though. He became a very close friend, and a HUGE crush. Two days later, I left Utah, and I left Jackson. I cried and cried, missing this special boy. He called me almost every night for two weeks, we would talk for hours. I loved talking to him, and soon I realized I was in love with him. One night while I was at the beach in the Outer Banks, NC, Jackson told me he loved me. That is where the trouble began.
After the night he said he loved me, we didn't talk as much. It became rather awkward to talk to him, the phone calls and texts became fewer and fewer, and one day, they stopped altogether. I would try to contact him, but he would never respond. This lasted almost three months, and in those three months I became more depressed than I can ever remember being. Why wasn't he talking to me? Did I do something wrong? I was plagued by questions like those, I finally concluded I just was not good enough for him and that he just used me. This made me feel even worse, of course. I felt like a fool. But one night, I got a text message from him explaining why he was not talking to me... the reason I am not going to say because it is not my place to tell. Basically, he had no choice. He apologized, but didn't really say much more. I was rather disappointed, but what did I expect? I serenade expressing his sorrow, and his love for me? Yeah, that would have been nice, but it was unrealistic. We never really talked much after that, leaving me in a slump. Why on EARTH could I not just MOVE ON!? Everywhere I turned, his name would pop up... "JACKSON Street" "Micheal JACKSON" I was so frustrated. It was like the world hated me, wanted me to be unhappy. The only thing that helped me through the day was my family and friends. (Love you all) <3 This lasted until the new year. I was depressed, unhappy, and a mess for FIVE MONTHS over a BOY. Looking back, I've realized how pathetic it sounds. I guess that's what happens when you're too immature for a relationship. Every journal entry was about how I missed that day on Mt. Timpanogos, just sitting by that lake, holding his hand. I would constantly dwell on that day, it felt like it was eating me alive. I lived in pain from those memories for months, until just a few days ago, when I had the epiphany I should have had 5 months ago... I was jealous of that happy girl sitting on that mountain with the guy she loved. I was jealous of how happy she was. I was jealous of the way that guy treated that girl. I was living in the past, dwelling on memories that were done and gone, carrying the weight of them on my shoulders. I needed to be able to look back and realize that girl was me, and if that girl was happy than, she can be happy now. That girl has a God and family that loves her, friends that are there for her, and a future that looks brighter than the sun was that Tuesday in August.
Although that may not seem like a big deal to the readers, this was like... a BIG deal to me. I felt all warm and fuzzy, and I knew I had broken from that shell of lost moments. I can now look back on those memories of ME sitting on a mountain side with the boy I loved, and smile, knowing I was happy, and knowing that someday I will be able to enjoy moments like that again. I can smile, thinking about my future life, my children, and my husband, my job as an oncologist, my home. I can smile again. I can be happy again. These chains of depression can't hold me down anymore. I am free.
I have a new outlook on life. As some of you may know, I haven't been the happiest I could be lately, I've been suffering from what I like to call post-breakup syndrome, a nasty little illness which leaves you mourning the loss of some great boyfriend who dumped you... this boy's name was Jackson. Jackson was a great guy I met at EFY over the summer in Utah. I seriously thought I was in love with this kid. Maybe I was, but I know I've never liked anyone the way I liked him. We spent a lovely week together, acting like typical Mormon kids, enjoying a great spiritual experience in a beautiful place with amazing people. We both liked each other, but never really made it public. (Although it was rather obvious I liked him, I'm pretty bad at hiding that stuff!) He and I talked about going out to a movie or something, but he was going to Hawaii a few days after EFY so the only "date" we could have was a hike with my family after he returned from vacation. After planning a lots of begging the parents, we finally were able to schedule a day my whole family + Jackson could hike. We decided to visit Mt. Timpanogos, a beautiful mountain in Utah known for its resemblance of a sleeping Indian. We all hiked and hiked, it was a LOT of work, seeing I was rather out of shape. (Seriously, who is in shape on vacation?!) Anyways, everyone was too tired to continue the long trek up the steep mountain trail except my dad, Jackson, and me. Jackson and I walked ahead of my dad, stopped, and shared our first kiss together... awww <3 It was really sweet, I swear that mountain is lucky. (My dad had no clue... if he had even the slightest inkling his baby girl liked this boy, he'd have torn off poor Jackson's head before he could scream my name.) Jackson stole quite a few kisses that day from me, and I thought I was falling in love with him... (oh, if you'd only seen my journal entries...) That was the last day I ever saw him, it was a good day though. He became a very close friend, and a HUGE crush. Two days later, I left Utah, and I left Jackson. I cried and cried, missing this special boy. He called me almost every night for two weeks, we would talk for hours. I loved talking to him, and soon I realized I was in love with him. One night while I was at the beach in the Outer Banks, NC, Jackson told me he loved me. That is where the trouble began.
After the night he said he loved me, we didn't talk as much. It became rather awkward to talk to him, the phone calls and texts became fewer and fewer, and one day, they stopped altogether. I would try to contact him, but he would never respond. This lasted almost three months, and in those three months I became more depressed than I can ever remember being. Why wasn't he talking to me? Did I do something wrong? I was plagued by questions like those, I finally concluded I just was not good enough for him and that he just used me. This made me feel even worse, of course. I felt like a fool. But one night, I got a text message from him explaining why he was not talking to me... the reason I am not going to say because it is not my place to tell. Basically, he had no choice. He apologized, but didn't really say much more. I was rather disappointed, but what did I expect? I serenade expressing his sorrow, and his love for me? Yeah, that would have been nice, but it was unrealistic. We never really talked much after that, leaving me in a slump. Why on EARTH could I not just MOVE ON!? Everywhere I turned, his name would pop up... "JACKSON Street" "Micheal JACKSON" I was so frustrated. It was like the world hated me, wanted me to be unhappy. The only thing that helped me through the day was my family and friends. (Love you all) <3 This lasted until the new year. I was depressed, unhappy, and a mess for FIVE MONTHS over a BOY. Looking back, I've realized how pathetic it sounds. I guess that's what happens when you're too immature for a relationship. Every journal entry was about how I missed that day on Mt. Timpanogos, just sitting by that lake, holding his hand. I would constantly dwell on that day, it felt like it was eating me alive. I lived in pain from those memories for months, until just a few days ago, when I had the epiphany I should have had 5 months ago... I was jealous of that happy girl sitting on that mountain with the guy she loved. I was jealous of how happy she was. I was jealous of the way that guy treated that girl. I was living in the past, dwelling on memories that were done and gone, carrying the weight of them on my shoulders. I needed to be able to look back and realize that girl was me, and if that girl was happy than, she can be happy now. That girl has a God and family that loves her, friends that are there for her, and a future that looks brighter than the sun was that Tuesday in August.
Although that may not seem like a big deal to the readers, this was like... a BIG deal to me. I felt all warm and fuzzy, and I knew I had broken from that shell of lost moments. I can now look back on those memories of ME sitting on a mountain side with the boy I loved, and smile, knowing I was happy, and knowing that someday I will be able to enjoy moments like that again. I can smile, thinking about my future life, my children, and my husband, my job as an oncologist, my home. I can smile again. I can be happy again. These chains of depression can't hold me down anymore. I am free.
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